Listening Part 2: Conscious Listening
Week 52 - Week 16
“One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.” Bryant McGill
The process of hearing detects noise, but listening requires you to make sense of what you hear. Remember the communications model from school, with a ‘sender’ and a ‘receiver’ who politely took turns speaking and listening? I don’t really know anyone who communicates like that. We might appear like we are politely listening, but we are messy in our communication and the model breaks down most of the time due to emotional, mental, physical and/or environment stresses.
It seems to be a given that we naturally know how to listen. Our parents assumed we knew how, our teachers demanded it in school, and our bosses expect it on the job. We think we are listening to what someone has to say but think about all the problems that occur when one person says something and the other person hears something entirely different. The problem lies in the fact that we aren’t taught how to listen.
“Active listening is more than just hearing what others say. It is a deliberate and conscious effort to understand, empathize, and respond to the speaker.” Jordan Lok
Although most people have an adequate handle on speaking, we almost all suck at listening. Unfortunately, listening is not a given and that we are natural listeners is an unfounded assumption.
Listening—being present and focused on the speaker—can be an act of consciousness.
Imagine this dynamic communication model: Two or more participants with a willingness to give and receive information, opening themselves to take in what is being offered. Taking the offering to a deeper place of contemplation. Pondering what was given and sorting, matching, discarding, aligning and offering back. That is conscious listening, the act of being intentionally present and aware of your own and the other’s needs. The speaker is given space to express themselves without interruptions, judgments, or arguments.
“Hearing is passive – it’s basically something that happens whether you want it to or not. But to really listen, you have to decide to pay attention.” Amy Lewkovich
So, why try to be a better listener? It’s good for your brain. Research shows listening can strengthen your communication skills, ability to focus, concentration, and problem solving. It’s good for your social skills. When we hear someone tell a good story and don’t interrupt, our brains sync with theirs, promoting empathy, understanding, and cognitive and emotional regulation. Listening is good for relationships. It builds stronger and more trusting connections.
Conscious Listening Practice
Paying attention is the key to conscious listening. You are ‘paying’ or giving your attention (at tension) to someone. That is the point. How to do that better? Follow the steps below.
1. Clear your field. Relax using your breath. Breathe in silence and breathe out the mind chatter. Practice as often as possible when you are not in a conversation, so when you are conversing with someone, one breath does it.
2. Build your focus muscles. Pick a sound to focus on: birds singing, a song on the radio, an interesting noise, your own breathe. It could be anything in your environment but choose a sound you don’t have to respond to. Focus on the sound as you breath naturally. When you drift, gently bring your focus back. Do 5 minutes a day and it will deepen your ability to concentrate.
3. Noticing. Begin to notice where your attention goes when you are in a conversation. Set your intention to noticing how present your focus is. Be easy with this, there is no judgment here, you’re just learning how well you listen. Each time you notice your attention drifting, bring it back to the conversation.
4. Active Listening. As you feel more focused in your attention, begin to practice more active listening. This is where you do all those things that show the speaker you are engaged in what they are saying. Facing them, leaning in, making eye contact, nodding to show you’re keeping up, and asking questions to clarify and get more information. This matters because it shows you are involved in what is being said. You are giving your attention and holding up your side of the conversation.
5. Paying attention. It’s a choice to become more conscious in your conversations, to refine the dance of giving and receiving information, to be able to take what you are hearing and saying to a deeper level of sharing when it’s right. Not every talk you have will be that, but some will and to be able to connect there is a gift. That’s when you listen with compassion and speak straight from the heart.
Resources
Much of my information came from a book I’ve been writing for 20 years, called Guide on Guides. The following articles give advice for improving listening skills for individuals and business teams.
The Science of Active Listening
Journal Prompt
· Write about when you’ve had a listening success story. Describe what happened.
· Write about when you’ve had a listening failure. Explain what happened and what you could do better next time.
· Create a listening scale 1-3. (1=lost focus, 2=50-50, 3=I heard them! ) Pick a conversation you have each day and rate yourself by putting that number on your calendar. Do it for a month and celebrate your progress!
Final Thoughts
I don’t know about you, but I am still learning how to listen. Cool thing is, we have so many opportunities. I know I’m not going to be conscious with every conversation I have but my goal is to at least be present so I hear what’s being said and can judge if it’s worth diving deeper.